Ah, Parenthood
by BlindBeyondSight
Summary: How will Kanda take the news when he is informed of his unborn son in a rather...unorthodox way? Hilarity ensues. Mpreg. Rated T for language  as one can imagine .


**OMG DON'T KILL ME. *cowers* I know I should be working on "Love Me", but I swear, I have been!**

**I was never really into mpreg, but the idea of Allen telling Kanda he was pregnant was hilarious.**

**This was the scene in my head, all in exactly 1,000 words, too! :D**

****

**000**

Did I _need_ to ask why the hell I was here again?

I rolled my eyes for the billionth time, crossing my arms while sitting on this stupid lounge chair.

I couldn't believe I'd _slept_ with that annoying as hell moyashi.

The idiot and Lenalee were seated across from him on a loveseat, fawning over a baby kitten as well as…wait what the hell? Why was she touching his stomach?

"It's getting so big!"

I had to bite back a smirk. It was about _time_ someone commented on the moron's weight. Well, it wasn't as if he were too thin in the first place. At least now his figure was a bit fuller than when he was a bony…well—a bony moyashi. He was still stick thin, but I figured he'd at least graduated from moyashi to a twig.

La dee fucking da.

Perhaps his metabolism was catching up to him. God knows where all the food that kid devoured went. Half the order wouldn't have been shocked if studies showed that his body was 40% stomach. In fact, that seemed far more logical than any other goddamn explanation people would've come up with.

"_I'm a parasitic type, BaKanda! I need my energy! Now stop looking at me like that." _

Tch. _Yeah_. _Riiiight_.

Honestly, the kid could've eaten Canada if his "parasitic type" needed more "energy". The boy was a fucking tank!

"Actually, it's a he!" The boy chirped.

Lenalee squealed, clapping her hands together excitedly.

"I wonder what we should name him!" Lenalee cooed at what I assumed was the kitten which meowed in response.

"What do you think we should name it, Kanda?"

Why the _HELL_ were they asking _ME_?

"Ass-wipe. That sounds like a good name." I muttered.

The two stared at me in horror as if I'd just butchered the kitten in front of their eyes with Mugen (which believe me, was becoming more tempting by the second). My eyebrow quirked.

"What?"

"That's why you don't ask people questions when their IQ is lower than that of a goldfish."

"Shut up moyashi, like you're the one to talk."

"HEY GUYS!"

Speaking of morons.

"Lavi! You're just in time! What should we name him?"

Him? How'd they know the little fluff ball of shit was a dude?

"Have you asked Yuu?"

"Don't fucking call me that!" I roared, unsheathing Mugen.

Perfect. Mugen had been itching to slice someone in half for a while now.

The idiot was pinching the bridge of his nose, shaking his head as Lenalee rolled her eyes.

The baka usagi didn't do anything but smile that godforsaken smile before acting like he was thinking.

The bastard.

"Hmmm…what names did you have in mind?"

The white haired midget shrugged before opening his goddamn lips to speak in that horrible fucking accent of his.

"I was thinking…Charles."

_CHARLES_?

Who the hell in his right mind would name a kitten _CHARLES_? Even **I** knew better than to do something as stupid and idiotic as that. At this point, even ASS-WIPE sounded more appealing than…than…_Charles. _

Stupid Brits and their stupid loyalty to the stupid throne. Stupid.

"Or maybe William."

Even the baka usagi looked puzzled. Even a fuckface like HIM knew an asscrack name when he heard one.

Old man midget perked up in his seat, holding the kitten to his chest as if it were his goddamn lifeline.

"Or maybe even…" He sighed dreamily. "_George_."

Oh my fucking god. He might as well have named that kitten "Minced Meat" because that's what it was going to be in a few days.

"Um. I don't know about those names." The Cyclops replied.

Oh thank goodness at least ONE of the idiot trio had a brain.

"Maybe…Enrique."

Oh _fuck_ me.

The idiot mop head frowned and shook his head.

"Okay then…what about...Edward?"

No fucking way. I didn't care if it was a damn kitten; no one deserved a name that belonged to that shitty vampire freak. Fuck that.

"Nah."

"Ernest?"

"What about Ernesto? Or maybe Jorge! Jorge's like George, right?"

"Lavi, those are all Spanish names! And I am _not_ naming him…" Allen grimaced, "_Whore-hay_."

The rabbit looked offended.

"Well all of YOUR names are English!"

"Oh blimey Lavi, I wonder why!"

"Guys, stop fighting! I'm sure John doesn't like all this yelling." Lenalee cried.

The two looked at her—incredulously.

"JOHN?" the two shouted.

"Since when the bloody hell was his name John!"

"That's got to be _the_ most _creative_ name _ever_."

Heh. Judging by the red idiot's sarcasm, he was stalking me a little too often.

"Hey! It's simple and adorable!" the chick with boobs defended herself with her cheeks puffed up.

"OKAY FINE! HIS NAME IS ALBERT." The mopheaded midget announced.

I had to admit, the kid had a set of lungs on him.

There was a moment of silence before all hell broke loose.

"NO, HIS NAME IS ENRIQUE!"

"JOHN!"

"Asswipe." I but in quietly, just for the hell of it. Good thing no one heard me.

"IGNACIO!"

"HENRY!"

"Tch."

"JOHN!"

Oh god. I put a hand to my forehead, shaking my head. Bunch of idiots, they were.

"PABLO!"

"ALBERT!"

"JOHN!"

"ALEJANDRO! PEDRO! SANCHO!"

"WILLIAM! RICHARD! GEORGE!"

"JOHN! JOHN! **JOHN**!"

"CHANCHO!"

"SEAMUS!"

"JOOOOHHHHNNN!"

"EDWARD!"

At last, I stood up, unsheathing Mugen and pointing it in all directions.

"SHUT THE **FUCK** UP."

The three paused in their idiocy to look at me with widened and terrified eyes.

Good. I'd rather scare the shit out of them than have them bickering like fucking imbeciles. Fucking dolt heads. Fuck them. _Fuck_.

The midget was the first to speak, standing up and setting Minced Meat on the couch before walking toward me. We were so close I could feel him fucking _breathe_.

"Well THAT certainly isn't a fatherly way of speaking about your SON." He hissed.

Wait, what?

Son?

Fatherly?

Me?

What?

_Fuck_, what?

"You did _not_ just call that kitten my _son_."

"AUGH! YOU BLOODY **MORON**! I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR _REAL_ SON." He sputtered furiously.

…

**Fuck**.

**000**

**PFFTTTT HAHAHAHAHAHA *BRICK'D***

**Fun fact: Kanda says the word "fuck" 17 times.**

**As for the name, in the end they decided to name him "Peter". Don't ask why, I just like that name.**

**Don't question it, just embrace it.**

**And please feel free to push the button down here and leave behind a nice review. **

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